I have spent my life being molded, mostly by myself.
I still remember that when I was a child I tried to make friends with everyone, and I still recall how I would change my behaviour in front of them for that purpose. Needless to say it was never for long, neither was their friendship. I was never alone at school but somehow not one friend remained from those years, until I turned 16. It’s funny that my good friends back home are the few I met on my last school years. I can say they are true because I never tried to change for them. There was never one time in which any of them tried to change me either. We are all so different but get along perfectly.
I’ve been trying to change, always believing that the fault is mine and never paid any attention to the fact that I’m just fine the way I am and, in fact, always have been (childish misbehavior aside). There’s no point in trying to change myself just to be accepted. Well, we all know that, but we consistently end up trying.
I guess I’m a bit of a nuisance because I don’t fit the mold. It is uncomfortable to deal with something that doesn’t follow the pattern. I somehow stand out and I’m tired of feeling bad about it! I’ve been feeling ashamed, not wanting the special attention, be it good or bad. For that reason I’ve been trying to do my best to blend in, all my life, following the standard patterns, doing what was expected of me, as of everyone else.
It came to a point where I simply can’t bare it anymore. All I am told is to change habits and even to change some traits of my personality. Well, last time I checked I haven’t done any harm to society, or to the ones I care about, while being who I am. I only hurt myself on thinking that I’m never good as I am. I don’t believe that I can’t get to where I want by being me!
Acting accordingly to what other people expect only makes life easier for them, not for me! Easier to comprehend and thus control. Well, I’ve been the most eager student on this subject, but somehow always seemed to fail. I believe in the changes people present me, I consider them and usually try to follow them. Eventually I realize that It just drains me down and makes me feel miserable about myself.
For some reason many are those that immediately draw a new challenge regarding myself, briefly after they start knowing me. Some of their favourite goals are changing my drinking and sleeping habits in their favour. Well, I always say that there’s no point in even trying because that’s just not me, but it never stops them and I immediately become their next challenge. Sure I like to feel tipsy once in a while, it’s relaxing, and even entertaining. But I don’t appreciate drunk people or being drunk myself. I’ve been almost there once and didn’t become a fan, at all. Apparently I’m losing a whole life of drunk stories to tell my grandchildren. Well, they’ll have to deal with it.
The necessity to fit me in the mold is such that every detail counts, even the way I walk! I also end up being criticized for not being able to make an ugly sound while singing. Well, isn’t that a good thing? In the midst of all my faults I have at least that to hold on to, the persistent pleasant sound, that is.
Someone I work with sometimes says that “I’m a bloody good singer” (don’t know in which aspect specifically) and it always makes me feel uncomfortable. I never believe it and never feel that I deserve it. Why? Because I’m also so often told that I’m still not good enough and that I need to work on this or that. This is what makes me concerned and unhappy about my singing. I care too much and I try too much to fit in the standards. Well, it only happens that I lose value and I lose myself. I don’t fit the standards, never did and never will! It’s about time I embrace that instead of fighting against it.
I’m always concerned about being weak and showing my weakness, but I realize now that I’m actually strong, otherwise I’m sure I’d be much more different from what I’ve always been. Despite all the attempts to change me. I’m still the same, I just grew wary. I always dwell on the fact that I need to gain more self-confidence, but the truth is that I have it, always did, I just lost my trust in it somehow along the way…
My usual behaviour when a child, this one being at 4 years old.