Monthly Archives: Maio 2014

Look for the silver lining

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Be brave.
Dare to overcome yourself.
Cross the line, disobey.
Go against your pride and just take a deep breath.
 
In this stream of feelings and decisions to be taken,
all seems to blend into a heavy cloud filled with words:
stay, change, reveal, accept, run away, be free…
 
Yes, be free… free from expectations.
Open up, allow yourself to be happy.
Just with simple things, simple people
and with what you are.
 
Follow your instincts, don’t deny them,
before they give up on you…
Better fail for allowing them to lead you,
than for ignoring them.
 
Look for the silver lining,
as your heart asks you to.
Trust it, whatever comes.
 
Use the words, use your heart.
Merge them in speech
and just dare!
 
 

To my first Music teacher

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I won’t say the obvious word,
for it doesn’t even begin to describe this day’s true meaning.
I know you never expect any gifts
and don’t really care about them.
Even so, I decided to give you this,
in an attempt to retribute your most precious gift to me.
 
Many years have come and gone,
many lessons you (both of you!) taught me
in your own assertive and sensible way,
but I’ll always owe you 
for the Music you filled my life with,
for the Music that became my own
and defines me ever since.
 
You were my first Music teacher.
You taught me to listen, and to sing my heart out
without any care in the world.
I may have learned its language in school
but with you I learned how to feel it,
how to make it my own, way long before.
You even taught me (unintendendly) about competition.
I still don’t know who won the battle of being the most heard at our home, if The Beatles or me. 
 
You were the first to support my Melodies with your own distinctive Harmonies.
With you I can say that I have performed my first Recitals,
that would last for hours and hours,
often include short displays of my strong temper
and regular solo dance intermezzi.
 
You shared with us your own musical conquests,
and gave us all the opportunities to explore them by ourselves.
Now we’re the ones to share with you our musical discoveries,
trying to give back, even though this sharing keeps going both ways.
We lived Music in the most free and full-filling way there could ever be,
and all thanks to your autodidact music-making.
 
I now realize that this got lost somehow along the way
and that I forgot what Music is really about.
It is about Connection,  a selfless creation that is meant to be shared,
not only with those we love but also with all the others to whom it somehow speaks.
 

 

Seeing this video and seeing you in it reminded me of the reason why I couldn’t have chosen a better career.

I do this because it makes me feel free from the world’s constrictions and because it allows me to convey something to other people. I will keep this at hand as a reminder, every time Perfection tries to take the best of me.

For this (and much more) I thank you, dad!

Breaking the mold

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I have spent my life being molded, mostly by myself.

I still remember that when I was a child I tried to make friends with everyone, and I still recall how I would change my behaviour in front of them for that purpose. Needless to say it was never for long, neither was their friendship. I was never alone at school but somehow not one friend remained from those years, until I turned 16. It’s funny that my good friends back home are the few I met on my last school years. I can say they are true because I never tried to change for them. There was never one time in which any of them tried to change me either. We are all so different but get along perfectly.

I’ve been trying to change, always believing that the fault is mine and never paid any attention to the fact that I’m just fine the way I am and, in fact, always have been (childish misbehavior aside). There’s no point in trying to change myself just to be accepted. Well, we all know that, but we consistently end up trying.

I guess I’m a bit of a nuisance because I don’t fit the mold. It is uncomfortable to deal with something that doesn’t follow the pattern. I somehow stand out and I’m tired of feeling bad about it! I’ve been feeling ashamed, not wanting the special attention, be it good or bad. For that reason I’ve been trying to do my best to blend in, all my life, following the standard patterns, doing what was expected of me, as of everyone else.

It came to a point where I simply can’t bare it anymore. All I am told is to change habits and even to change some traits of my personality. Well, last time I checked I haven’t done any harm to society, or to the ones I care about, while being who I am. I only hurt myself on thinking that I’m never good as I am. I don’t believe that I can’t get to where I want by being me!

Acting accordingly to what other people expect only makes life easier for them, not for me! Easier to comprehend and thus control. Well, I’ve been the most eager student on this subject, but somehow always seemed to fail. I believe in the changes people present me, I consider them and usually try to follow them. Eventually I realize that It just drains me down and makes me feel miserable about myself.

For some reason many are those that immediately draw a new challenge regarding myself, briefly after they start knowing me. Some of their favourite goals are changing my drinking and sleeping habits in their favour. Well, I always say that there’s no point in even trying because that’s just not me, but it never stops them and I immediately become their next challenge. Sure I like to feel tipsy once in a while, it’s relaxing, and even entertaining. But I don’t appreciate drunk people or being drunk myself. I’ve been almost there once and didn’t become a fan, at all. Apparently I’m losing a whole life of drunk stories to tell my grandchildren. Well, they’ll have to deal with it.

The necessity to fit me in the mold is such that every detail counts, even the way I walk! I also end up being criticized for not being able to make an ugly sound while singing. Well, isn’t that a good thing? In the midst of all my faults I have at least that to hold on to, the persistent pleasant sound, that is.

Someone I work with sometimes says that “I’m a bloody good singer” (don’t know in which aspect specifically) and it always makes me feel uncomfortable. I never believe it and never feel that I deserve it. Why? Because I’m also so often told that I’m still not good enough and that I need to work on this or that. This is what makes me concerned and unhappy about my singing. I care too much and I try too much to fit in the standards. Well, it only happens that I lose value and I lose myself. I don’t fit the standards, never did and never will! It’s about time I embrace that instead of fighting against it.

I’m always concerned about being weak and showing my weakness, but I realize now that I’m actually strong, otherwise I’m sure I’d be much more different from what I’ve always been. Despite all the attempts to change me. I’m still the same, I just grew wary. I always dwell on the fact that I need to gain more self-confidence, but the truth is that I have it, always did, I just lost my trust in it somehow along the way…

 

My usual behaviour when a child, this one being at 4 years old.